Iron Man and Houraisan!
by CybeastFalzar
Summary: After the events of Thor, Iron Man worries about the aliens (as seen in Iron Man 3). However, it is a DIFFERENT set of aliens that come to bother him. There may be a follow-up, there may not


_**A.N. OK, I'm getting tons of hate over the fact Stark loses. Eirin and the Kaguya are MILLENNIA old. They also surprised him AND none of the Marvel guys have dealt with the kind of fights Touhou characters deal with on pretty much a daily basis. Seriously, LOOK UP Touhou Project before you start hating on me for saying he couldn't weave through it all. Bullets? No biggy. THOUSANDS of bullets forming mazelike patterns that people have to weave through where even ONE can incapacitate? Marvel comics ain't done that yet. So if you're looking for Iron Man kicking ass as usual, this is not the story you are looking for. He's outmanuevered, outgunned, and outdone.**_

Stark's House:

"Alright, looks like the Mark one hundred forty-two is complete..." Stark said, having been on a nonstop building spree since receiving a mysterious note. The note read as follows:

_In exactly 96 hours from when you open this note, you're coming with us to discuss your work. This will happen whether you want to or not, and you WILL be punctual. Sincerely, the exiled Lunarians._

It had been 95 hours, and 48 minutes since he'd opened it, and although he hadn't believed it at first, a quick trip to S.H.I.E.L.D. and assurances that the ink was not from Earth had him ready to defend himself. He'd already sent his girlfriend Pepper Potts away, and was determined to make a last stand, if need be, when these Lunarians came. His manor was on full security lockdown, Jarvis had set up every trap in the place, so he figured he would probably be alright. "Yep, those Lunarians will be the ones coming with me. Heh."

Eientei:

"Eirin? When do we go in and get him? I'm borrrrrrrrrrrred..." Kaguya complained.

"Soon, my princess. Soon. You can put up with his snarking, right? After all, you've had millennia to outdo him there. Just 10 more minutes..." Eirin soothingly replied.

"But I want to see the shocked look on his face now!" Kaguya whined.

"Patience... just 8 more minutes."  
  
Stark's House:

"Jarvis, how long has it been since I opened the letter? Exactly." Tony Stark asked.

"_Sir, the time since you broke the seal on the letter has been 95 hours, 58 minutes, and 49 seconds, adjusted for the time this voice clip ends."_

"Is this some sort of prank?" Tony Stark angrily asked. "No way are they going to be punctual if they're really from the moon!"

"Oh, really?" came a voice from behind him. "Seems to me we're perfectly on time."

"Jarvis, get the suits online! UGH!" He felt a hot flash across his neck as white hot pain erupted at the spot where Kaguya's bullet had hit.

"_Here we go! You're surrounded, Lunarians! Surrender and come with us!" _The 142 suits all burst out, forming a compact ring which had no gaps. And they were all pointing guns at Kaguya and Eirin.

Eirin looked at Kaguya. "Do you think we're surrounded?"

Kaguya looked back. "No, I don't think we're surrounded. Come on, Tony Stark, or should I say, Iron Man. Get in one of those suits and we'll have us a little battle."

"Oh, wait, that's rich. You, an unarmed lady, think you can stand up to Iron Man?" Stark said.

Eirin stepped forward, looking ready to kill him when Kaguya put her hand up. "Cut the man a break, he hasn't been around as long as us. I'll let it slide. Come on. Get in the suit, fly about 500 meters up, and I'll meet you there. Or are you a coward?"

"Lady, I don't know how you plan to, but I'll be happy to battle and DESTROY you." Stark said, flying up in the Mark 42 suit.

"That was too easy. C'mon, Eirin... let's deck him." Kaguya said.

Stark waited to see the unfathomable device they would use to battle him. He was extremely surprised when they came flying up without any kind of support whatsoever, but resigned himself to the fact they probably had a few implanted devices of some kind.

"Ready, Kaguya?" Eirin asked her.

"Ready. Let's have some fun. [Impossible Request: _Jewel from the Dragon's Neck: Five-Colored Shots_]!"

"[Mind of God: _Omoikane's Brain_]!

"_Sir, I've detected a high amount of energy moving towards you, I would advise evasive action."_

"No shit, Jarvis, but evasive action isn't easy right now! I'm surrounded on all sides by these bullets! Get the other suits to attack, damn it!"

The other 141 suits all began to start flying around and trying to shoot Kaguya and Eirin, but as he desperately hurtled through the air, occasionally squeezing off a shot when he could, he saw more and more of his suits fizzling out and Kaguya and Eirin dodging easily, flying up and down, left and right. They hadn't even torn any of their mysterious fabric!

"Damn it! Jarvis, how long can we last against this?"

"_Unknown, sir. Your reckless flying has caused this suit's power meter to mean nothing anymore. The battery system is offline. As for the number of suits you've still got firing at them, I'm displaying that on screen right now."_

100 Suits Engaged  
20 Suits Reserved  
22 Suits Destroyed

"Why the hell are you reserving any?! You know what, never mind why, just send them in!"

"_If you lose, we may have a bargaining chip if we can catch them off guard."_

"I don't care! Send them in!"

"_Sending them in."_

100 Suits Engaged  
42 Suits Destroyed

"Aw, damn! Hurk!" A bullet barely grazed the suit, but suddenly, everything was redlining.

"_Sir, those bullets have a high energy output that while non-fatal to a human, easily makes mechanical constructs go haywire. This suit will only stay aloft for about another minute, and if you take another, there is a high probability of an explosion."_

"I'll take my chances." Stark, having barely avoided a sudden fall, and with 60 suits left airborne, suddenly slammed into another bullet. The suit he was in exploded, causing him to go flying. "Jarvis, get me into another suit!" He tumbled through the air, when he came to a stop. He waited for the usual sounds of a suit closing around him. When they didn't come, he looked up.

"Hi! Glad you could join us here 1000 feet in the air!" said Eirin, who was holding onto his arm, keeping him from falling. "Now, order your army to stand down or I'll drop you in the ocean! You'll be dead on impact."

"Jarvis, stand down." Stark ordered.

"_Are you quite-" _Eirin reached out and ripped the reciever off his face, pocketing it.

"Alright. Now, we're going to head back inside, and you're coming back home with us, just like the note said." Eirin calmly said to him.

Eirin flew inside, casually landing and throwing Stark to the floor. Kaguya pulled out what looked like a phone and spoke into it. "Hi, Yukari? Requesting pickup." A gap opened in the floor underneath Stark, and he fell into it before he could so much as blink. "That was fun, Eirin. Let's go!" Kaguya dived into the gap, and Eirin casually floated into it.

"_Sir? Sir? Mr. Stark, are you still here? Mr. Stark, please answer. I know what I saw, yet what I saw was impossible."_

Eientei:

"High five, Eirin! *clap*" Kaguya was in really good spirits. She had, after all, just shown up someone believed to be the most egotistical person on the planet by some.

In the meantime, Stark was tied up in Eirin's lab. Looking around, he realized that for how simple the house looked from the outside, the technology inside was more formidable than his home base. That, more than anything, scared him. Or it did until Eirin came in and did a couple of her usual experiments on the rabbits.

"Ok, I've gone mental. Tell me those aren't..."

"Rabbits? Yes. Talking rabbits? Also yes. Talking rabbits I'm testing new medications on? Yes. Anything else you want to ask, Mr. Stark? I'd be happy to demonstrate any of these various machines or medications... but I might demonstrate them on something you don't want me demonstrating on, if you understand my meaning." Eirin grinned slyly at that.

Kaguya bounced in. "Thought you were so superior to us that you could fight us off, huh, little man?" she said to him.

Stark rolled his eyes. "Please tell me you don't let her order you around, she hardly looks 16."

Eirin stabbed a needle into his arm. "I've heard quite enough of that, and I assure you the Princess would rather not hear your vulgar remarks. I might want to test some of my more interesting stuff on you... you're already half a cyborg anyway."

Stark felt a chill as she spilled these words as if they were common knowledge. "How-"

"Do I know that? This is your heart." Eirin pulled up a display chart. "It was pierced by shrapnel, and it became necessary to stabilize it. Then, you had to hook the thing up to a generator. You have shrapnel everywhere which you use to code the suit. OR used to use, anyway." She smiled coldly at him again. She then pulled out a jar with what looked like scrap metal. "It's all in here now. My medicine heals things quickly... I bet you didn't even know I'd been operating! Anyway... Thor showed up, and things got ugly. I know your history better than you do, having been around for most of it and then some."

"Yeah, right. You're... what, 30?" Stark asked.

Eirin started rummaging around in cabinets at that, saying "I would watch your lip if I were you, or I might just start operating on you again... and this time, who knows what I'd do?"

Stark rolled his eyes. "I bet you don't know what you're doing."

"On the contrary... I know EXACTLY what I'm doing. Better than most of your doctors, I would say, since I and Kaguya have been around for MILLENNIA. Happy nightmares!" Eirin huffed, stabbing another needle into his veins.

Stark tried to concentrate, but couldn't. He felt his hold on consciousness slip away as he fell into a restless sleep.

?:

"Tony... TONY... Help me..."

"Honey? Where are you?"

He stood in front of a mansion. Seeing down the path, he could see a lake of what looked like blood.

"HELP! AAAAAAAAAHHHH-gurgle-"

"I'm coming, honey!" Tony ran full tilt towards the mansion, putting his arms out to get his Iron Man suit... but it wouldn't come.

Suddenly, a lady with a scythe came out of the sky and blocked his path. "No one gets past me! You won't enter Muugenkan. No one but my master will!"

"My girlfriend's in there!" he shouted. "She's screaming!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" The gates slammed down as Ms. Potts came flying out the front door, barreling through the gates into him. "Run, Tony! Even your suit can't save you now! Go! Get out of here!" she cried.

"Uh-uh-uh... No one leaves this party." There stood at the house a lady with a red and black plaid dress. She had green hair, and red eyes. She stood twirling a parasol. Suddenly, she was next to him, yanking him upright. "Oh, my, he doesn't seem to feel too well, Elly!" she said to the girl with the scythe. "We'd better get him inside!"

"Yes, Mistress Yuuka." Elly kept her scythe to his throat the whole way inside. Stark had lost all ability to move, though. It was as if her very touch had sapped him of all his strength.

Eirin's Lab:

"Aaaaaaaaagh! What kind of heartless monster are you!? AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!" Stark screamed in agony as he continued to have a nightmare.

"Eirin, do you think we should take the needle out now? You've clearly tested the nightmare drug enough..." Kaguya seemed worried.

"After his insult? No way. Now then, while he's asleep, get me the Iron Man circuitry. We're going to give him a little "patch" to his suit... and not tell him. That way, we, or anyone else who's interested, can get to him whenever we want... Of course, when we are ready to operate, we'll give him pleasant dreams. We don't want the test subject flailing, do we?" Eirin remained calm.  
_  
2 hours later..._

"I've got it. Recalibration complete, prepare to operate."

_1 hour later..._

"Operation complete. Tony Stark... wake up, wakey-wakey!" Eirin punched him in the face at this point.

"What kind of... oh, right. So... what did I miss?" Stark asked. "Hopefully not the company dinner on Friday, I was kind of looking forward to that."

"Go home, Stark. We're done with you... for now. But don't think you've seen the last of Gensokyo. We'll see you again. Bye!"

Eirin fired the device she'd been hiding behind her back.

"_Hello, Mr. Stark.. How did you escape those Lunarians?"_

"That's the thing, Jarvis. I didn't. They let me go... And that makes me worry. All I gave them was verbal abuse. What did they get out of me?"

"_One should never attempt to fathom aliens, as it always meets with failure."_


End file.
